Re-think Your Failures
Did you really choose to do the things that bring you guilt and regret? Did you have a clear and conscious choice to do something that you knew was going to bring pain to you and others? Were you in full control when you acted to create suffering and feel guilty, and ashamed forever after? Is that true for anyone?
Humans have a nature-given instinct to avoid pain and seek satisfaction and pleasure. We are built to avoid anything that will result in emotional pain, guilt, shame, and regret. Yet most people think that we willingly choose to act in ways that cause our destruction, losing what we love most, and condemn ourselves to psychological suffering.
It’s a fact that our behavior is motivated and determined by genetics, biology, early life experiences, the conditioning we received from an early age, the modeling from important figures in our lives, and the beliefs that became part of our identity. This is a scientific, biological, neurological, medical, and psychological fact. There is zero evidence of the idea that we are fully in charge of our choices and behaviors. Zero hard evidence that we can freely choose what to do at any time and any place, under any condition, without the influence of our unconscious. Zero scientific validity. So why do we cling to the idea that we are in full conscious control? Pride and a need to feel safe.
Sigmund Freud said, “We think we are living when in fact we are being lived by our unconscious.” This idea (and Freud’s work in general) is disturbing to most people. We like to think we can will our way through life. Yet, we constantly are up against forces outside of our control. This force has been given many names—the unconscious, destiny, God, or God’s new name, “The Universe.”
They show this belief in their actions. In Alcoholics Anonymous they believe in a “Higher Power.” In Christianity they pray, “Thy Will be Done.” In Islam they seek “Submission to the Will of God.” They all pray to something “greater than themselves.” Create rituals to seek it. Make sacrifices for it. This has been true from the earliest beginning of the human race.
But, at the same time, we tell ourselves everything is accomplished through self-will. The same people that acknowledge a “higher power” in their behavior, follow gurus, motivational speakers, books, and programs that promise complete control over the self. Full control over their thinking and their actions. And, the ability to force situations, and environments, to conform to their will. Are they wrong? Actually, no.
They are responding to an unconscious awareness that indeed we have two systems in our minds—one is unconscious and really drives us, and the other looks at what we do and makes up stories about how we are in control so we can feel safe. The truth is that we are really “lived” by the unconscious, and at the same time we can understand, manage, and even change some things. But, we cannot will ourselves into being anything we choose. Actually, willpower is a concept that can’t be proven.
How do we know that? Because in psychology we are not guessing anymore. The latest and best-proven research on the human mind shows that we don’t come into the world as a “blank slate,” as some used to believe. We come into the world loaded with written genetic tendencies. The environments that we grow up in then strengthen some of those tendencies and weaken others. The combination of our genes and environment created our unconscious.
Some of our unconscious traits have downfalls. People that live with depression, anxiety, addiction, and other mental health challenges were born with such unconscious traits. Some are designed to attain goals that fit the society that we live in. If you are born a tall extrovert with high intellectual intelligence, you are set for easy success in this culture.
Some unconscious traits are designed to attain goals that go against the preferences of the society that we live in. These programs set us up to struggle to fit in it. If you were born an introvert, who is shy and feels anxiety in groups, you are set to be lonely. If you were born a creative person who is driven to solitary creative pursuits, you will struggle to succeed. If you have to live with mental health challenges you will be at risk of losing relationships, careers, money, and your life.
The scientific fact is that we were dealt a genetic and environmental hand of cards to play. Some hands are winning hands from the start. Some are not. The winning hands make it easier to win. To win with the bad hands we have to develop skills. But, we can’t change the hand. We have to play it. We did not choose it. It was given to us.
So, when you beat yourself up for your mistakes, your failures and who you are, who are you comparing yourself to? Someone that was born with a winning hand? Someone that did not inherit your genes? Someone that grew up under different circumstances? Raised by different people? Did you really choose any of that?
The scientific truth is that the majority of their success, and your failures, come from the same place. Usually, the people that won the genetic lottery boast about how they created their success. The people that didn’t win the genetic lottery punish themselves for how they created their failures. Well, they are both wrong. There is no scientific evidence that supports any of the two claims. No one deserves the full credit. No one deserves the full blame.
